Lost in a weird world

I'm a young guy who hasn't reached eighteen yet, who doesn't have the same sexuality as all of his friends, family and neightbours do. Although I'm accustomed to my environment, I feel like a fish out of water in some situations. Having really HETERO friends who are really into girls, whenever I'm out with them they ask why I don't have a girlfriend, why I'm single. Many people say I'm very good-looking, masculine and really smart. They say I can have any girl I want, the nicest ones... I don't a want a girl, but it is impossible to come out of the closet where I live. My family is quite into religion. In fact, my country in the southeast has a very religious population, subjected to the Islam.

Most of people here are old-fashioned. For example in the way they dress. Me too: I can't go shopping alone, or I'll choose the wrong clothes, just because I don't care. Even though I worked as a model for a company in my country, I don't fit the gay stereotype when it comes to my taste in fashion. I always have to have somebody shopping with me. Well,I digress: The reason why I mentioned that people were old-fashioned here is that their opinions and style of life are really far behind compared to many developed countries Europe and rest of the world. People in this county are still in a patriarchal period of the 15th to 18th century that started with the invasion of Turks, and they can't get out of it. I know some people who are gay here, who are really feminine, and people notice. They are saying the worst things about them, calling them rangers,vagabonds and basterds. People say they have to be sent to a hospital, to get treated, so they can return into the real world and like girls.

All my friends and family really like me, they say I'm really good person and I'm always there for them. Whenever I go out, I always start with one person and at the end of the evening it's grown into a group of at least ten. My country is very poor. Some people don't have anything to eat, and can't buy themselves some clothes. I was always a person who couldn't accept that. Let's say I'm quite richer than many of them, because my parent has a very good job, a good, well-paid position. I said "parent", because as a child, even before I could walk, I lost my father. He was a really good, well-liked person, but he was killed in a war in the early nineties of the last century. After he was killed, I moved to a developed country in middle Europe with almost all of my family: aunts, uncles and all of cousins.

My mum was sad there, she really suffered. Here she was a considered an educated person, and she was respected as such. However, in the new country she got a job as a dishwasher, with her education that was a shame. She couldn't stay there and we moved back to our own country. But there, hell had started. After the war finished, the salaries were very low, and my mother had to spend all of it on kindergarten, because I had to go there: there was no one to care for me while my mother worked. When I was seven, in the first grade of Primary School, I had to stay home alone when she was working, from 12.00 to 17.00. Let me say that it was a "life school" for me: I learned how to cook, how to be independent.